I am about to answer one of life's puzzling question: Why do girls fall for bad boys?
I should know. I am Exhibit A.
It happens sometimes in life, meeting someone that triggers your clumsy mode because of this uncontrollable nervousness that comes from nowhere. It comes in many variations: stuttering, inability to maintain eye contact, blushing on the apple of the cheek (or the forehead in my case. Weirdo), constantly stumbling onto inanimated objects placed perfectly to avoid hazardous situation, or a cocktail of them all.
I am running through five stages of dealing with grief. Grieving on the loss of myself. Looking back, I denied the fact that I acted that way, adoring him to the point I blurted cheesy lines and refused to let him out of my mind. I wanted to get angry at him, but I can only punish myself for being a clueless person, thus skipping the bargaining stage (it is beyond my comprehension anyway) and straight to bottomless depression and self-pity.I painfully accept the fact that I am just being toyed with, thus prolonging the state of sadness I'm in.
I had this notion, it is okay to reciprocate other's feeling, you know, accepting someone's affection towards you, and give them the confidence boost by accepting their love. And it should be okay too, to accommodate your beliefs to theirs so that they can feel comfortable around you. And also okay to pour your love onto them, for you know that is what they are after.
Boy, I was wrong. I screwed myself big time with this naive concept.
He let me get a taste of him first, letting me feel like I am loved. Then cut all connections without any warning, after that showed up like it never happened. The best part was after giving me the sweetest smile and the loving gaze that I craved for, he left me hanging, again.
And I am a sucker for clinging onto it, making myself 'easy'.
I believe it is because I was tricked into the fantasy setting of 'Girl, you are the most fascinating human being I see here, so I am gonna hit on you like there's no tomorrow'. I felt for it, thinking that it might last, at least for a couple of months, and what did I end up with? Marathons of B-grade sappy romantic flicks every night to ease the deprivation.
Weeks of getting stuck in this futile relationship, I want a way out. I want to stop feeling pathetic for my mistakes. I want to halt my hope of us rekindling.
This is sad. Even listing out him being a douche, I still have a soft spot for him.
God, help me figure this out by Monday. Sleepless nights can do danger to my work. Damn, just like me already! I want to cry.
