Easier Said than Done: Tragic Fate of New Year's Resolution

As a lady, 'to lose weight' is a typical new year's resolution for me. It was written in many forms; to learn Pilates, to skip 300 times per day, oat for breakfast not nasi lemak, to venture into anorexic world and so on. After eight years of carrying around the extra burden, I finally get rid 20 kilos in two years. How so? I can assure you it was not from all the Pilates diagrams I excitedly drew but never actually did them. 10 kilos were lost when I met an online beau and crushed ridiculously on him/her(?). Who knows.

And another 10 kilos were abolished on 2012. The year I joined the bank. I had this worrisome thought that I would go into rebound as I had accustomed myself to the routine, thus tripping into the comfort zone.

It is decided then. This year will be dedicated on keeping off those pounds away. Oh, and lose those flabby arms and spare tires. And love handles, muffin top bla bla

Yesterday me and Dila went out for dinner with a friend of hers, Yan. It was refreshing, meeting new people. I looked back at my past relationship which went on for a mere two months before Baba put a stop on it. I have to admit I did not try my hardest to stand by my man. I might say I put my parents' priority above me, but secretly I am uncertain on my ability to maintain the relationship. Baba provided an easy way out.

He was a great guy. And I can't help reliving the happy moments we shared.

So to begin the new year with a slight bitter taste at the back of the throat, I doubt I will do anything extravagant. I am contented with what I have now. It is not the happiest, but the steadiest I can achieve. Good enough.

Oh, I better learn sign language to get back at those deaf Safeguards' girls who I believe were mocking me because I forgot to provide pens for them.

I watched 'Young Adult' and hated it

I am about to answer one of life's puzzling question: Why do girls fall for bad boys?

I should know. I am Exhibit A.

It happens sometimes in life, meeting someone that triggers your clumsy mode because of this uncontrollable nervousness that comes from nowhere. It comes in many variations: stuttering, inability to maintain eye contact, blushing on the apple of the cheek (or the forehead in my case. Weirdo), constantly stumbling onto inanimated objects placed perfectly to avoid hazardous situation, or a cocktail of them all.

I am running through five stages of dealing with grief. Grieving on the loss of myself. Looking back, I denied the fact that I acted that way, adoring him to the point I blurted cheesy lines and refused to let him out of my mind. I wanted to get angry at him, but I can only punish myself for being a clueless person, thus skipping the bargaining stage (it is beyond my comprehension anyway) and straight to bottomless depression and self-pity.I painfully accept the fact that I am just being toyed with, thus prolonging the state of sadness I'm in.

I had this notion, it is okay to reciprocate other's feeling, you know, accepting someone's affection towards you, and give them the confidence boost by accepting their love. And it should be okay too, to accommodate your beliefs to theirs so that they can feel comfortable around you. And also okay to pour your love onto them, for you know that is what they are after.

Boy, I was wrong. I screwed myself big time with this naive concept.

He let me get a taste of him first, letting me feel like I am loved. Then cut all connections without any warning,  after that showed up like it never happened. The best part was after giving me the sweetest smile and the loving gaze that I craved for, he left me hanging, again.

And I am a sucker for clinging onto it, making myself 'easy'.

I believe it is because I was tricked into the fantasy setting of 'Girl, you are the most fascinating human being I see here, so I am gonna hit on you like there's no tomorrow'. I felt for it, thinking that it might last, at least for a couple of months, and what did I end up with? Marathons of B-grade sappy romantic flicks every night to ease the deprivation.

Weeks of getting stuck in this futile relationship, I want a way out. I want to stop feeling pathetic for my mistakes. I want to halt my hope of us rekindling.

This is sad. Even listing out him being a douche, I still have a soft spot for him.

God, help me figure this out by Monday. Sleepless nights can do danger to my work. Damn, just like me already! I want to cry.

Re-defining Douches

It was a quiet, peaceful final day of the working days. Nothing much to do, and productive hours were spend on scheduling activities for awesome weekend (which will later be discovered as too much hassle to conform after succumbing to the power of fresh bedsheet). And then, along came the man in ill-fitting clothes..

He walked into the bank at 4.15, whereas the closing time is 4.30. With two healthy but bored toddlers, he demanded the bank to deposit his coins, which later sums up to RM 1,800.00. I had no choice (yes i did, but that will involve ruining my good mood to get into mouth fight with him) so I did.

I finished running the coins through the machine in 30 mins, and another 30 mins to sort them out accordingly. Throughout the duration, I didn't have the slightest will to hide my dislike of him. I didn't smile, I didn't reply him, pretending the coins machine noise was blocking his voice. The most annoying question he popped up was "Can you make it faster?" i gave him an indifferent look and monotonously said "Tunggu je la (just wait for it)". He might expressed his dissatisfaction, but it all drowned in the sound of coins dropping into their respective slots.

After he made his way out, Kak Timah came into my room. She looked concerned, and the evening all made sense after she said "that guy with plenty of coins? He's my ex-husband"

Flashback to couple of months, I once asked Kak Timah, " I admire your children. From your stories, they seems very independent. How did you educate them so?"
"Because they were abused by their father"
I chocked with horror when she told me how the bastard punched and kicked her two kids, including a baby that was almost being thrown out of the window of their apartment. She left them with her then husband for she had to attend her father's funeral back in her hometown. Upon being informed by her neighbour, she endured two 10-hour journeys in a day to get back to her children's rescue. They went their separate ways several months after the traumatic incident, and getting full custody of the children. They would not want it any other way either.

How can you appear in front of a group of people who knew how sadistic you are, bringing your wife and two kids (does the wife as ignorant as the husband? Apparently yes) all the while putting a guitless face? And don't let me get started on his clothes that desperately needs to emphasize his built. Yeah, guess that's what you got training with minors.

That day made me realised the word 'douchebags' are not meant for teenage boys wearing stereotyped clothing, it is more for person who conduct their manners without keeping in mind God's guidance and promise of punishment.

Heavy eyelids, Burdened heart, Encumbered mind

Cold breeze will always aid in getting a good rest at night. But that is not the case tonight. Partially alert mostly drowsy, I retrieved my password and start to post rants, again.

It is easy to figure out how many months had passed since I last logged in, but reading the last post might result in embarrassment, for I was young and became excited too easily under the influence of unnecessary hype of trivial matters. Mostly, I just do not care.

I found a 9 to 5 job recently, hence quit the business I was so fond of. Yeah, six months had passed since I started working and not a week went by without me reminiscing the good old days. The hours slaving in the kitchen, won some trophy scars when operating the commercial oven, and it all ended with a sweet smell of pastries and bread coming out from the oven. And then I ate them, under the obligation of Quality Control.

The job in the office had become a routine, so weeks went by quickly, whether or not I regained substantial energy and willpower to do the same thing as soon as the daylight approaches.

I am not whining, oh no I would not dare. I got my wish, to be independent and other crap, and plus I am satisfied with the pay. It is just so much going through my mind that revolves around work, I can not stay apathetic as I preferred on living my life.

The list goes like this:

- Organizing the flow of distributing new notes for Hari Raya Puasa, taking in account to reserve a portion for staffs and VIPs. Have I mentioned that I am a banker? And I am the cashier? And I count like sleepy people counting sheep?

- Getting sales. Oh God this is the hardest part. I remembered being sweet talked into getting insurance and credit cards, and how I despised them. You should hear me on the phone. But now I have to do it. Life is not a fairy tale. At least it is for Taylor Swift. (p/s: Please do not compose hatred break up song of Mark Foster. You know it is inevitable. Get a hold of yourself!)

-...

Oh that's all. But it is a lot thinking to do for someone who is raised under the spoon-fed national education policy like me. 

Too much disappointment. I should be mollified, not improving the sarcastic-ism. 

Happy Ramadhan anyways. I want zuhud-ness in life, being contented with worldly affairs and aim for a peaceful hereafter. That matters most, I should believe.

One Question: Am I that worthy of a mentor? (soalan emo)

It's been a week since KIPB (stands for Intensive Course for Newly-elected Officers) of UiTM's Red Crescent Society/RC. But (as usual) the memories still lingers and perfect for a blog entry. And it's really refreshing when I learned some cruel facts about myself whilst watching others being put in the hot seat.

The adventurous course (well, not so much for bench-warmers like me) started on Friday, where I traveled from my hometown at 12 pm. It sounded kinda late, but it wasn't considering the bus going to the campsite was due at 5 pm. The scheduled bus was then adjourned to 6 because of emm.. communication breakdown? at that time, from the excitement of meeting Mai, my friend of 6 years, I couldn't be bothered much. Our reunion was soon filled with chatters of trivial matters until the bus arrived. Joining us were Ili and Zul, and we formed the inseparable quartet throughout the camping.

Picture courtesy of Mohamad Faez Idha. From far left: Ili, me and Mai. Zul was already drowning.

Our arrival in Kem Alim was ushered by Abang Zizan. We went to our house (we stayed in a 3-room chalet, beside the boys' chalet) and the officers aka participants (or rather, kids, as I affectionately referred them) brought up their tents. The girls who arrived earlier were Kak Ejan, Kak Zuri and Salma (Abang Din's ehem ehem, quoted from the actual person). Kak Fiza and Abang Fendi arrived later that night.

Dinner was simply fabulous. In fact, the whole stay's meals were divine. Chicken dishes were present at every meal, much to everybody's delight. Later on, they had an ice-breaking session and treasure hunt where they need to solve puzzling codes in order to find hidden straws. The objective of the game was to instill teamwork, and it's an irony when the team with the least communication won the game. The night that caused eyebrows to raise ended at 2 o'clock. As for us, since Mai was present, we hit the bunks at 4.

Next day, feeling refreshed (it's all in the mind, baby), we woke up by the sound of marching command. After breakfast, the kids went to attend Abang Yus' talk on The Responsibility of a Leader. Me? I was busy breaking the ice with Puan Iadah (picture below), radiology technologist from Pusat Kesihatan cum the staff accompanist for this camping.

At 10, we went to the campsite's lake for water confidence session, along with the camp's instructor. The kids donned the life jackets and went down the beautiful yet mysterious lake. I had an unexplained doubt about the lake, so I passed the opportunity.

The scaredy cat (rightmost) pretended to be the most professional photographer.

The guys making a line, and claimed themselves as the buayas of Alim.

Girls attempted to make a circle but ended up as an oval.

The classic water confidence activity by Mai. Letting yourself fall into the water back first. Looks fun. Okay, I'll try it in a'Famosa.

There's something mesmerizing about the instructor. Looking at him running his hands through his hair is just..enticing..

The fun was cut short because it was almost lunchtime. The noon session continued with Abang Wahab's lecture on Organization Structure. Around that time, Abang Zack aka Mr. Policeman arrived with his family, her fascinating wife, Kak As, a toddler girl and a baby boy. Kak As was very friendly, maybe because she's still young. Their daughter was talkative too, and she helped us filling water balloons, for that night's war game.

That evening Abang Zack and the other boys taught the kids marching, with style. Zul told us about the obstacle route situated behind the marching ground. Me and Mai tried them out, skipping those obstacles that includes water in it.

Night session went on with Kak Zuri's talk on Meeting Organization. I also took notes along the way, especially on the guide of writing minutes. Abang Firdaus and Abang Bad later on took the stage by handling 2 games. The first game needs the kids to bring a lit candle from one end to another, avoiding the nasty enemies/facilitators from blowing it off. It was funny watching the boys using boards to produce gushing wind. Abang Zack was the successful one by knocking the candle out by one harsh blow. Mai was funny too, she was perceived as one of the kids' teammates, but ended up being pushed to the ground because of her petite size.

Another game required the kids to walk blindfolded while being instructed by their friends. We then put barriers along the way.

Wait till you open your eyes and see this funny nasyid group.

At around 11, the time we were waiting for finally came: War Game. I never been this eager during war game, maybe because this time I perfected my skill in filling balloons with water, thus raising my confidence level. I had several victims too, yayy for me. There was 3 wars, and the last 1 we won by the help of treacherous Tajudin aka Cocoroach. The kids mistook him as an ally, and he went straight to the rugged flag and snatched it with his evil laughter. And me, I only got hit by 1 balloon, and it was mine. No thanks to malicious Abang Fendi for bursting my balloon so strategically that I looked as if I peed my pants.

The fun night (again, strictly for us not the kids) was proceeded with Muhasabah Diri. Kak Zuri handled the session, and I realized the first sob to break was when Abang Fendi started hollering azan. It was so beautiful, I nearly shedding tears too. The kids then were send to their tents for 3-hour sleep.

The last day started with marching too. After breakfast, the kids were made to public speaking. This reminisced me back to the good ol' days. I never took public speaking seriously, because Iknew I was good. But how wrong I was, especially when I was bombarded by questions during my last term as RC's committee member. Although thinking about it makes me sad, but at least I can help others from experiencing the same embarrassment.

My thoughts were interrupted by Kak Ejan's request, extended to Ili for us three. She was tired from having to key-in infos throughout the week, and she wanted a fun cheer on herself. I was perplexed by this unexpected request, but we managed to pull it off. Kak Ejan again wanted us to perform the cheer in front of the canteen (?) I honestly was okay with it, because we looked cool doing it (I think so), but Ili and Mai were against it, so in the end we didn't do it. Maybe Kak Ejan will force us again in the next camping, I'm oh-so sure about it.

The kids then went for marching competition while I went to wrap several notebooks as gifts. When I went to the marching ground, I only managed to watch the last group performing. But as they said it, better late than never (what's the relation I don't have any idea).

The end drew near with the closing ceremony. Pn Iadah was present and it was done swiftly. And we had to march to receive our souvenir. Later on we learned that Pn Iadah was also having cold feet to keep up with us.

Me, doing useless gestures in an attempt to imitate the real guest of honour who will pass through the kids.

After saying goodbyes to friends, we boarded the bus back to UiTM. We went for an ABC in Seksyen 2 before Pak Utih picked me up and Abang Jack drove me back to Melaka.

I was given a minor role in this camping, and I hoped I can contribute more. Hmm, so much to prove. Till then, cheerios.

Curiosity+Desire=Shopping!

At last! I drove more than 5 km! Thanks to Ms. ID with her constant nagging for me to bring her to Jusco Meletop just to satisfy her shopping gratification.

It wasn't all good thing though, because I spent inconsiderable amount of money there, given it's Chinese New Year special sale. And I also discovered that I'm very intimidated with the usage of car horn, either using of taking one. Maybe it needed a little practice on my part.

So for the record, I drove more or less 20 km, and 3 engine's shut-downs. Yatta!

A Fresh Change - 2d 1n with Newlyweds

I went to KL last weekend intended to live in solitude while revising first aid theories for the upcoming (plus dreaded) basic first aid exam.

I arrived in Red Crescent Society HQ on Saturday, for we had last-minute preparation before the exam on Sunday. When it was time to part ways in the evening, I asked Abang Zizan to drop me off in the nearest train station. But Kak Zuri and Abang Zizan had other plans for me. They invited me to stay overnight at their crib, thus making me the first person to come to their place amongst friends.

Of course I was feeling troubled at first, all nice guests are, no?xD As soon as we reached their apartment, Kak Zuri went to the kitchen and thawed some chickens she had pre-marinated. I was surprised, does she had premonition that she'll have me staying in her house? after further investigation, it appeared that it's her habit to make ahead dishes for swift cooking. She then cleaned the house while Abang Zizan chatted with me in the living room.

Abang Zizan then drove us to Tesco for some groceries. Abang Zizan said me tagging along feels like bringing a daughter who got amused by how picky her mother chooses veggies. We got home and continued cooking. Kak Zuri made ayam masak lomak cili padi and sayur campor, while Abang Zizan cooked the rice (had to give him the credit for the perfect rice). Oh and one more thing, I didn't have a drop of plain water during my entire stay there, because I was hooked on Abang Zizan's mama's ayer mata kucheng. Forgive me my kidneys.

Earlier, I blabbed to Kak Fiza and Abang Fendi (also a newlywed, same first aid class) that I was staying over at Abang Zizan and Kak Zuri's. Kak Zuri then invited them too, and so they came. So I upgraded myself from the third wheel to the fifth wheel (?) All five of us had a blast really, although it was just dinner and studying. The food were good, really looking forward to have them again.

Some of us shared the same style of memorizing facts. Me and Kak Fiza had to write them to stick them, meanwhile Kak Zuri had to verbally revised them. But Abang Zizan and Abang Fendi fumed me for some reason. They can understand+memorize by just listening to Kak Zuri. Then again, all boys do, no?

I went to bed at 1 am, leaving my comrades revising till the wee hours. Abang Fendi and Kak Fiza burned the midnight oil, something I can't do even during my university years.

Next morning, we left the house at around 8 am, and had our breakfast at Kak Zuri's uncle's roti canai stall. Abang Fendi looked tired on-and-off, while Kak Fiza told me she felt sleepy with a fresh face, no sign of eyebags even. But overall, we were quite excited to pour out all the uploaded info from last night.

Written paper exam started at 10.45 am, and I feel quite happy with myself. I think others do, too. But the real challenge came when the Malay language master, Mr. Pramjit conducted our CPR practical. The pain of finding the exact words to explain our actions: priceless. The practical that started at 2 pm closed its curtain at 6 pm, and not before he started torturing by asking us one by one the definition of conditions in basic first aid treatment, and put it in the simplest but exact sentences thank you.

Personally instead of holding grudge towards him, I felt ashamed of myself. His strictness made me empathized those UiTM's Red Crescent Society kids I used to treat unjustly for their lack of knowledge and experience, and in the same time saw myself as the superior one just because I had the 'senior' title. All of us made a vow not to leak this matter and keep the embarrassing event in our circle, but I just have to write it down so the feeling while keep lingering. As they said it, Melayu mudah lupa~

We had our dinner after that near Abang Sumi's office before we part ways. Abang Fendi and Kak Fiza sent me to the LRT station before Abang Jack picked me up and off to Melaka we went.

In a nutshell, this experienced evoked the good old days feeling, when I was surrounded by friends and we will share laughs all day long. I'm looking forward for the next meeting for a 3d 2n camping in Jugra on February.

Wish you were here, Ms Julie^beth *_*